Tomorrow is March 14th and no matter how we prepare, it can still be a hard day – lots of memories and emotions seem to come whether we’re ready or not (usually not!) Tomorrow will be the sixth March 14th since our daughter, Kelsey’s car accident, and I can honestly say it does get easier with time, a welcome surprise for which I am extremely grateful. So, why does the anticipation of this day still make my body shake and so preoccupy my thoughts? 

I was talking with Kels earlier this evening about how it seems like the hard anniversaries we come up to each year seem to actually be harder in the anticipation of it than in the actual day. I was explaining that I didn’t want to neglect mentioning it because it was just so life-changing for all of us and also because I want to celebrate her beautiful life – she really is just the most incredible person! So she suggested I not wait until tomorrow – that I face the day before the day and not spend all day tomorrow anticipating having to write about it! (She’s a smart one…)

Anticipation can either be incredibly exciting or incredibly stomach-wrenching, depending on what it is we’re anticipating, right? The night before Christmas kids and adults alike go to bed anticipating the morning and time spent with those we love. Wedding anniversaries, birthdays, all sorts of holidays, the birth of children and grandchildren…..these are ordinarily really happy things we look forward to, and the longer we live, the more memories we store up around them that come back to visit us year after year. I love that!  So many memories truly do fill me with joy and I’m so thankful to have them!

But there are other occasions – other “days before the day” where the anticipation is anything but joyful; preparing for surgery, learning you are about to be laid off, facing a court date,  expecting a difficult conversation…..so many hard things that are also a part of our lives that we anticipate as well, but these are usually met with very different feelings.

Five years ago my sister and I were at the hospital for three days straight with our mom, her body and mind ravaged by disease, knowing they were her last days….last hours….and we wanted to be with her and with one another. And while the anticipation of her passing certainly didn’t bring joy, it did bring the promise of peace for her, and in that we found comfort. Being able to say goodbye to her and know that to be absent in her body really was to be present with the Lord is a bittersweet memory that actually grows sweeter with time.

So today, on the “day before the day” I know I can’t erase the painful (bitter) memories of my beautiful girl being nearly broken beyond repair, and I can’t forget that Brett was still with us then, but I can choose to recall the sweetness of so many things during that time and the incredible love shown to all of us during the following months of rehab. and beyond. I can choose to celebrate her recovery and her fabulous life, knowing that sometimes there really is joy in sorrow and gain in loss. I think this is perhaps one of the greatest lessons I am learning along this journey of healing and living into hope. God is with me in both – in all of it – and He’s not going anywhere.

I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring, but I know it will be OK, and I know I won’t face it alone.

Love,

Shellie 

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Never Once ~ Matt Redman