(Original post 2/17/16 – Updated 2/24/21)

In my whole life I’ve broken exactly one bone; I was in Kindergarten and I broke my left arm when I fell from the “rings” on the playground.

I can still see the exam room with white walls and stainless steel instruments – all pretty scary stuff to a 5 year old!  I also remember the kind doctor who quickly and carefully applied a plaster cast (OK….so it was a while ago!) Then exactly six weeks later I was back in the same exam room while the cast was cut with a small electric saw and finished off with scissors to reveal my itchy, slightly pale and smushed-down little arm.  I’m not sure what I was expecting to find under that cast, but I remember being so relieved that my arm was still…..my arm!  It was slightly tender, but essentially good as new, and that was that.  End of broken bone.  Broken – set – healed.

Oh that our hearts were that simply mended….

For many, many months following the loss of my son, though I tried, I couldn’t seem to find my way into worship – something that had always been as natural as breathing.

I was just so broken and full of grief there didn’t seem to be room for anything else, but I found that I gradually began to be drawn to music that reminded me that God was the healer, and that he was good.  I couldn’t comprehend it yet entirely, but my heart wanted to, and so I listened, and listened, and listened to others declare it through music.

I started clinging to worship music as my lifeline to God….and to hope.  It would be the last thing I would hear before falling asleep and would keep me company getting ready in the morning.  Every day I would grab my headphones and listen during afternoon and evening walks.

One early morning I awoke with the lyrics and melody of a favorite song rolling around in my head.  It was so persistent and real – it was as though I had been dreaming it and woke with it still playing.  It was a lovely way to wake up, but I didn’t think much of it until it happened again the next morning…..and again the next…..and the next.

I began writing down the songs I was “hearing” in my first early morning awareness and was coming to feel they were little gifts from God.  They were usually different songs, but the lyrics were always tenderly reminding me that I wasn’t alone and that God was still at work in my life.  Mind you, I really wasn’t praying all that much – mostly just throwing “God, help me!”s up to the universe, but I couldn’t deny that something was happening that I couldn’t explain.

So, one evening I went to bed asking God to give me a song the next morning to let me know these really were messages from him and not just an ordinary response to all the music I’d been consuming!

And before my eyes even opened:

“You dance over me…while I am unaware…You sing all around but I never hear the sound…”

Eyes still closed, I kept “listening”, not wanting the moment to fade with wakefulness, and so clearly I heard, “How wide, how deep, how great is Your love for me….”

As tears streamed down my cheeks onto my pillow I heard, “Lord, I’m amazed by you….Lord, I’m amazed by you….Lord, I’m amazed by you….how you love me.”

I know it sounds crazy!  I know there are those who can probably explain why my brain had absorbed so much music it was simply set on repeat. Maybe….I don’t really care. All that I know is that’s when my heart began to mend.  And that’s when I knew without a doubt that God hadn’t left me but had been closer than I ever understood.

Oh that our hearts could heal like bones, but they aren’t really intended to.  They are the keepers of all that we feel, all that we believe, all that we care about.  And they are so very precious to God!

I realize this is pretty intimate stuff….especially for Day 7!   But so much more important than ANYTHING I say here is the fact that this amazing love isn’t only for me….

God loves us, friends.  And that, to me…..is amazing.

Always,

Shellie <3

“Amazed”

Phillips, Craig & Dean

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord, I’m amazed by You
Lord, I’m amazed by You
Lord, I’m amazed by You
How You love me

You paint the morning sky
With miracles in mind
My hope will always stand
For You hold me in Your hand

Lord, I’m amazed by You
Lord, I’m amazed by You
Lord, I’m amazed by You
How You love me
Lord, I’m amazed by You
Lord, I’m amazed by You
Lord, I’m amazed by You
How You love me

How wide, how deep
How great is Your love for me
How wide, how deep
How great is Your love for me

Lord, I’m amazed by You
Lord, I’m amazed by You
Lord, I’m amazed by You
How You love me
Lord, You love me, oh

I’m amazed by You
Lord, I’m amazed everyday
So amazed
How You love me, Lord