(Original post 3/10/19 ~ updated 2/20/21. Though my shopping habits have altered significantly the past year, the experience is just as vivid and powerful a reminder of God’s presence in my life as ever.) 

A week without Costco is like a week without bringing home bargains that you have to store in the garage – and I love every bulky, great-price-when-you-buy-more-than-you-can-store-in-the-house inch of it!

There are different approaches to Costco shopping, and different types of Costco shoppers. There are those who run in for the one thing they need and somehow dodge the free samples of kielbasa and churros. There are the list people who come armed with a plan of attack as though they were taking over a small country and emerge victorious with only a bit more than they came for. There are the casual shoppers who come for a few specific items, but take time to look around on their way out in case something catches their eye (beware…..something always does!) And then there are the day-trippers….those who come knowing they are going to go up and down every single aisle,  nothing specific in mind, and consequently end up with an overflowing cart of absolute necessities. (I hover somewhere between the last two…..)

My husband can go to Costco for bacon and return home with bacon. I go to Costco for bacon and come home with bacon, brownie mix, vitamins, 5 pounds of butter, a set of dishes, fresh spinach, sneakers and a rotisserie chicken. =)

I am generally a very patient person. It takes a lot to really mess up my Costco experience, but during a recent trip I found myself getting really annoyed. There were people just stopped in the middle of the aisle, chatting away, oblivious to the havoc they were causing as carts had to jockey around them and there were kids playing hide and seek, jumping out from behind pallets of rice and flour like it was a playground. I found myself wondering if no one even knew the “stay to the right” rule of shopping carts any more – or if they even cared! Then I had the following thought….”You know, there really should be signs that tell people how to shop here….there should be rules!”

It was about then that my eyes filled with tears, I felt that all too familiar lump lodge itself in my throat and I had to confess my attitude had nothing to do with anyone else but me. The feelings were identifiable enough – sadness, grief, longing, wondering if I’ll ever feel like myself again….

I knew shopping was over for me that day, but as if He had been waiting for just that moment, God brought to mind something I had seen earlier in the store. It was a very cool industrial-looking floor lamp that used gears and a pully system to adjust the lamp and I remembered how it felt as I was moving the parts trying to figure out how it worked. There was such a fluid feel as every part moved in such a way that it affected something else, but it all worked together to be a lamp – to create light. And then I understood….

Earlier in the day something happened that I wanted to share with my son, Brett – it was one of those impulsive, instinctual thoughts where for a millisecond I just forgot….

And that was a gear that connected to other gears that attached to a pully that released tears in the Nutella aisle of Costco. In an instant I knew what God was showing me – my past, present & future….the love for my family and the loss of my son….the pain of his absence and the ongoing healing that is most definitely taking place in my life each day….they’re all connected. They’re all parts of me that don’t stand alone.

What if I stop running from grief and accept that God can use it as an important part of who I am growing into?

We all have things we would rather leave behind, feelings we would rather not have to feel and memories we wish we could erase. But I don’t think that’s how healing works. I think healing happens when we allow God to take all of the parts, the good along with the bad, and see how He can cause them to work together like the gears and pullies on that lamp. There aren’t “bad” gears and “good” pulleys……there’s just one lamp – to create light, because that’s what it was designed to do.

I just love God so much! The patience He has in continuing to show me the next steps to take is amazing to me. I don’t need to understand how it all works together – I just need to trust that I’m His design. And it’s His light that shines through the darkness. It’s not easy – it seems impossible at times, and I know I can’t do it alone. But I choose to give it to Him to do what only God can do.

With Much Love,

Shellie <3