What do you do when you realize there are only two days left in Lent and you’re somehow four (!) days behind in your daily lenten blog?
(I mean, AFTER the frantic, angsty, “I can still do this” attempt at catch-up…)
I’ll tell you what you do (if you’re me, at least.) You finally, at the end of yourself….
Abdicate – Resign – Yield – Retire – Give up – Concede – Acquiesce – Withdraw – Surrender…..
I can’t tell you how good it feels to say that. A little embarassing….but also really, really good. And as always, because God knows I learn best through trials (can I find another way, already?!) here’s what I learned spending time with Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane…
Each year I look forward to this moment in time – this powerful story of Jesus pouring his heart out to his father on the eve of his crucifixion and death. It’s where we get the most personal, moving glimpse into the choice that Jesus had – that he knew was his to make – and where, after grappling with his emotions, fears, anxiety, he just bore them all, got up off his knees and walked into the hardest 24 hours any of us can possibly imagine. And he did it out of fierce commitment and love for us!
Admittedly it was taking me way too long to find simple words to capture his garden experience, and finally, when I knew I was going to miss yet another deadline and was feeling pretty low about the whole thing I had to push my keyboard away, and release the load of frustration that’s been building for days. And I told him how I had been trying really hard to faithfully write about his honest, very human prayer in the garden just before he was betrayed. I wanted to somehow paint the picture of the anguish he went through and how desperate and alone he must have felt. I wanted to take his side and ask how Peter, James and John could have possibly fallen asleep when Jesus asked them to stay awake so he wouldn’t have to face it alone. I could actually feel his sorrow connecting with my own and thanked him for staying the course and doing all of that for all of us. And in the middle of my “I want people to know what that must have been like for you” prayer, he invaded my thoughts with these words, clear as a bell….
“Shellie……I’m not there any more.”
“What?”
“Thank you for wanting to be with me in the garden…but, take heart – I’m not there any more….”
And with that, I’m quite certain he smiled. =)
(Sigh….)
Then, with such warmth and understanding I felt like he showed me the sorrow and pressure and burdens I was trying so hard to translate into words weren’t his at all – they were my own. And while he loved me for trying to put that moment into words that would connect with others, I was picking up a burden he had already laid down – for both of us.
Sometimes it just catches up with me….and before I know it I forget the ground I’ve gained and the healing that is happening even when some days are still hard. And I convince myself that doing all the right things will make me feel all the right things, and that just isn’t true.
It’s been “the lentiest Lent I’ve ever lented” for lots of reasons. I’m guessing for many of you, too! It’s been a crazy, stressful, unusual, month of scrambling every which way. But I am so very thankful for this pre-resurrection – resurrection moment where Jesus reminded me that I so often carry burdens he’s already carried for me.
There is still part of me that wants to stay with Jesus in the garden….I want to be the one who doesn’t fall asleep and stays with him in his dark and lonely hour…and I’m reminded that this is kind of what Lent is about…about being willing to take the time to be with Jesus, and to learn the lessons that we may not always want but always need.
So as we step into this Good Friday, that started last night with Jesus’ prayer of surrender in the garden, it IS important to remember, and to not turn away from the cross and the sacrifice that he made in our place. But it’s even more important to take hold of the gift of salvation that led Jesus there in the first place, and let him teach us how to walk in the freedom that was won that day…..on this day….and all the days to come.
If I were You I would’ve given up on me by now I would’ve labeled me a lost cause ‘Cause I feel just like a lost cause If I were You I would’ve turned around and walked away I would’ve labeled me beyond repair ‘Cause I feel like I’m beyond repair Oh, but somehow You don’t see me like I do Somehow You’re still here You’re the God who stays You’re the God who stays You’re the one who runs in my direction When the whole world walks away You’re the God who stands With wide open arms And You tell me nothing I have ever done can separate my heart From the God who stays I used to hide Every time I thought I let You down I always thought I had to earn my way But I’m learning You don’t work that way, no ‘Cause somehow You don’t see me like I do Somehow You’re still here You’re the God who stays You’re the God who stays You’re the one who runs in my direction When the whole world walks away You’re the God who stands With wide open arms And You tell me nothing I have ever done can separate my heart From the God who stays My shame can’t separate My guilt can’t separate My past can’t separate I’m Yours forever My sin can’t separate My scars can’t separate My failures can’t separate I’m Yours forever No enemy can separate No power of hell can take away Your love for me will never change I’m Yours forever ‘Cause you’re the God who stays You’re the God who stays You’re the one who runs in my direction When the whole world walks away You’re the God who stands With wide open arms And You tell me nothing I have ever done can separate my heart From the God who stays You’re the God who stays You’re the one who runs in my direction When the whole world walks away You’re the God who stands With wide open arms And You tell me nothing I have ever done can separate my heart From the God who stays
Welcome ~ I am a mom, a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a dreamer and a writer. But most of all I am a woman of faith - I have a deep longing to know and love....God.
