Ya know that feeling where you don’t really know what’s wrong but you don’t feel quite right either? It’s like you’re coming down with a cold but you don’t really have any symptoms yet. I think it’s just part of being human, but still, I really, really don’t like that feeling, so being the self-reflective sort I usually try to track down the culprits hiding behind the feelings because just understanding why always seems to make it more manageable somehow.
Earlier this week I had such a day. It came out of the blue and just kept building until I was crying at Hulu ads and convincing myself not to drop out of school (I wouldn’t) because, of course I was just failing at everything (I’m not) and eventually I found myself where I usually end up when I’ve tried to find relief everywhere else….I asked God to help me understand what was going on. And he did…
That morning I had seen a Facebook post of a friend who rightly was celebrating the fact that if she had to be stuck “sheltering” at home at least she had all of her kids with her. And I realized the feeling that had been growing all day was a deeply maternal one that instinctively had me wanting to circle the wagons, pull everyone close and count heads….and I broke all over again. It happens less often now, but when it does….it’s still a sudden and painful reminder that one of my “heads” can now only be counted in heaven. It helped to finally know where all the turmoil was coming from, and I slowly began to recover, but it was a reminder that I’m fragile in ways I never used to be before and likely always will be. But even though brokenness has been a main character in the hardest chapters of my life, it isn’t the end of my story….
Years ago I heard about Kintsugi, an ancient Japanese technique for mending broken pottery. A skilled craftsman would repair the container by filling in cracks with a lacquer adhesive that was mixed with powdered gold or silver, honoring the broken history of the piece and creating something unique and beautiful from the shards. The cracks aren’t meant to be hidden, but enhanced and featured as a sign of strength and resilience, actually making it more precious than before… so beautiful!
A professor in one of my classes asked each of us to bring an object, a token that symbolized our life and our faith. I thought about things like a Bible…pictures of my family…maybe a journal, but I finally settled on this:
And when I was paired with a partner for sharing about our tokens, I explained that I chose this little mosaic candle holder because it’s how I see myself. Her reaction was to quickly console, but I was able to explain that for me this wasn’t a symbol of brokenness, but rather of wholeness. Each tiny little sliver of glass is a piece that had been scattered from the rest, but God hadn’t lost sight of a single one; every plan, dream, hope, talent, gift and every desire he gathered up and began making something new that may be different, but beautiful just the same.
God has a way of shining right through all of our broken places and creating beautiful light in the darkness. So, to those who are in the middle of your own brokenness, wondering if things can ever be fixed again, dear friends, I promise you that God is even now collecting the scattered pieces and won’t stop until each one is lovingly put exactly where it should be. You are precious. You are valuable. And you are loved.
Shellie ♥
Scars
I Am They
Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes
Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn’t trade it for anything
‘Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You’ll useSo I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scarsNow I’m standing in confidence
With the strength of Your faithfulness
And I’m not who I was before
No, I don’t have to fear anymoreSo I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scarsI can see, I can see
How You delivered me
In Your hands, In Your feet
I found my victory
I can see, I can see
How You delivered me
In Your hands, In Your feet
I found my victoryI’m thankful for Your scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And with my life I’ll tell of who You are
So forever I am thankfulI’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars
So forever I am thankful for the scars
