As we get ready to take this last week’s Lenten journey together and walk it alongside Jesus, I once again find myself leaning toward his humanity. That’s probably because I don’t understand divinity much! But what it is to be human? That I know all too well.

I know there are different ways to look at the God/Man relationship that existed within earthbound Jesus, and I don’t pretend to understand the scholarship or the theology behind any of them. So this is just me….rooting around to try to uncover insight that God is oh so faithful to provide given enough rooting. =)

Sometime during the second year after losing our son, the impact that it had had on my faith finally was calling for some type of resolution. I could no long just be angry (hurt) at God for allowing him to die. I had been there long enough and it was making me more and more miserable by the day. But it felt as though there was so much pain between us – I didn’t see how I could ever let my guard down to trust Him again and I was still reeling from the Warren 4 being sharply pared down to 3. I needed to be with God – I needed to feel God’s presence, but I didn’t know the path to get there anymore.

So I enlisted the companionship of my pastor/husband to start attending “non-Sunday morning” church services, … and bless his heart – he was always willing to go. So for months we attended Saturday and Sunday night services in the Fresno/Visalia/Hanford triangle. We got to have the unenviable experience of  being “the new person” in lots of different places. (And we also got to be the “been here for four weeks in a row and nobody seems to notice us” people, too!)

I realize now, and I think I even knew it then, that what I was looking for wasn’t going to be found in a “place”, but I was just so desperate to meet God….to reconnect with my Creator and very best friend. I missed freely communicating with Him and just needed to find a way back. I remember walking into and out of all those places….perfectly fine places…..just willing for one of those Holy Spirit moments to happen, “unctions” as my childhood Pentecostal memory recalls, in which a total stranger would just walk straight up to me and say, “I know this sounds odd, but God told me to come up to you and let you know that He still sees you, loves you, and has a plan to work it all out.” That’s all I wanted to hear. But, while people were generally very friendly and open to conversation, never once did that happen.

Because I don’t think it was supposed to. As much as I know God does sometimes work in those ways, and it is truly an awesome experience – it also doesn’t replace all the good work that is done in the struggle. (sigh…)

I’ve come oh so far in the rebirth of my faith since then, but when I think of the week Jesus is about to experience, this is what comes to mind. I’m sure he would have loved for someone to come up to him from the crowd, maybe a little Jewish momma, take his hands, look straight into his eyes and say the words, “Jesus, your father wants you to know that he still sees you and has a plan to work all this out. It won’t be easy…..he knows that too. Just keep trusting him and see the work that will be done!”

Did Jesus know the plan? Of course he did. Did Jesus know his father was with him during each step of his human life? I do believe so. But did Jesus also experience all of the emotions that come with being flesh and blood? You bet he did!

That’s what makes it all so amazing, isn’t it? He wasn’t just a man! He walked on the waters and spoke to the sea. He “stood in the fire beside me”. And I know for sure he “carries my healing in His hands.” So as we begin this last week together, let’s keep in mind the humanity of Jesus that so freely offered his life for ours. For me, that makes his obedience to God, and his committment and ultimate sacrifice for each and every one of us so amazing. He had a choice! And he still chose us…..such love!

Thankfully Loved With You,

Shellie ♥