Tizzy: (noun) a state of nervous excitement or agitatation

Synonyms: dither, fluster, fret, fuss, huff, panic, lather, pother (?), stew, tantrum, vexation!

The purpose that I find in taking on the discipline of writing something every day for 40 days in a row is knowing that I can’t do it. Seriously….there aren’t that many ideas I have in queue just waiting to be explored and devotionalized. And there are never enough hours in my day per norm, so how do I just throw in a few extra hours of writing at night and maintain any sense of balance?

Well…..I don’t. At least I don’t on my own. =) I choose this as my response to this season of Lent because I know full well that when I am weak (aka, can’t get out of my own head and let go of needing to control every minute and every word), then that’s where the God-stuff happens. And lest you think I do a spiritual curtsey and get to that place effortlessly, well….not so much! (I imagine God even smiling at that one.)

So when I had “Day 9” all spit-shined and ready to publish last night at around 11:30, only to see it vanish before my eyes in a vapor that I still believe exists somewhere in the
cyber universe, I found myself in a……tizzy. I think I remember saying “No!” a few times and perhaps another word or two….I don’t really recall…. and standing up at my desk as though I could somehow run after it if I was quick enough. (sigh…)

After spending a fair amount of time in a chat discourse with a WordPress tech. person whose livelihood depends on solving these types of problems and learning that they didn’t even know where it went, at least I found some vindication in it being a unique failure….so, there’s that! =)

I ask God each day where I see Him at work – what He wants to speak into my heart, and that’s what I write about. Apparently it wasn’t what I wrote last night for Day 9!  So, if not that, what? Sometimes I really struggle with how personal these things get….

So,  when it comes to writing, I like to think I’m just “highly organized”, which is good, but it’s also related to an obnoxious uncle that sometimes shows up uninvited, and his name is perfection. (Curiously, he doesn’t show up to vacuum!)

I love that God has given me this gift of being able to express myself in words, and it is an indescribable blessing that anyone else but me would find value in reading them, but on Day 9(ish) where I am seeing God at work in my life today, (besides in the surprise breakfast that my husband just brought in  for his tizzied wife) is in the letting go of my need to control so closely how this experience is playing out. Could it possibly be that making sure that I post each night on the corresponding day of Lent, even if it’s 11:59pm….isn’t really the point? And there it is…..

There was a season not so long ago when I struggled to feel God near. I chose to believe that He was, but there was so much grief, disappointment and pain in the way, I just couldn’t seem to find Him. So, on days like this when I know beyond a doubt that I once again see Him in such ordinary things as lost blog posts and waffles, it brings me to tears with gratitude.

No matter what it seems like at this moment, especially for my many friends who are in terribly painful places….God isn’t hiding from you – I promise. He’s right there – arms around you and looking after you, knowing your eyes will once again open when you’re ready. Hang on! Hope is here in the person of Jesus, who really is a friend who sticks closer than anyone else ever could or would.

Happy Saturday,

Shellie ♥

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