October 1, 1983 – July 9, 1988 – November 22, 1989….all such important dates in the story of our family! You have them too; the special anniversaries and birthdays you celebrate each year with parties, dinners, gifts, gatherings….and remembering. I’ve always loved family celebrations, and we’ve done them well!
I learned something this week about body memory. There’s a theory that our bodies are able to store information – like memories – at a cellular level, and they can “remember” things that we may or may not be aware of consciously. That’s pretty amazing, don’t you think? It also offers an explanation for why I felt a little anxious this past week…
Today is March 14th, and it’s another important date in our family’s story. Three years ago on this day, we received an early morning phone call that our daughter had been in a very serious car accident and had been airlifted to a Houston hospital that held the best Shock-Trauma Unit in Texas. We were told her injuries were severe and that she had been placed in a medically induced coma to give her the best chance of survival – and then we were asked how soon we could get there….
I don’t even have to try to find the words to describe what we experienced that morning, that day, or the months that followed; if you’re a parent, you know. (And if you aren’t a parent, but love someone with every ounce of your being, you have a good idea.) She’s our daughter….our child. We were prepared to do anything and everything we humanly could to save her….and prayed constantly that God and her team of doctors would do what we could not!
When I realized this anniversary had come again, it helped to expose the source of those anxious feelings, and gave me an opportunity to think about how to approach this day; I chose to turn the memory of a tragic, fearful day into an ongoing celebration of recovery, healing and life! (If you know me at all you will appreciate my self-restraint just now in not going on and on about my daughter’s incredible determination and optimism….and if you know Kelsey at all you know if I did so, I might get fired as her mom – a position I’d like to hold on to, so we’ll just leave this …right …here…..)
There have been other dates added to the story of our family that we will remember with the deepest of sorrows, but on this day, I choose to focus on gratitude for the gift of life and the spark of joy that is my daughter. I choose to remember the vast sea of people that God brought into the middle of our chaos to offer love and support and daily prayer for Kelsey, Brett, Tom and me. I choose to celebrate the brilliant medical minds that sought creative ways to mend her body and the whole team of therapists who taught her how to find herself again. I choose to praise God for his mercy and power as we watched him show up day after day and night after long night, each and every time we cried out to him!
And I also choose to acknowledge the current brokenness of my “hallelujahs”, but that I offer them anyway. One of the many truths that is being revealed through the crucible of suffering is that we don’t have to wait until we “feel” like offering praise to offer it anyway.
Do I understand the course of the last few years? No.
Do I claim to have some sort of special exemption now from future tragedy? No.
Do I still trust God? Yes. Call me crazy….. but yes.
And do I still love Him? More than ever….
I hope you have a moment to spend with this song by The Afters and bring whatever it is you have as an offering of surrender – even if all it can be is doubt and hurt right now. Just know whatever it is, on this day….it’s beautiful in God’s eyes….and it’s enough.
<3 <3 <3 <3
Broken Hallelujah
The Afters
Everything is crashing down,
And I wonder where you are.I try to find the words to pray.
I don’t always know what to say,
But you’re the one that can hear my heart.
Even though I don’t know what your plan is,
I know you make beauty from these ashes.
I’ve seen joy and I’ve seen pain.
On my knees, I call your name.
Here’s my broken hallelujah.
With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to you.
Here’s my broken, here’s my broken,
Hallelujah
(Here’s my broken)
Hallelujah
You know the things that have brought me here.
You know the story of every tear.
‘Cause you’ve been here from the very start.
Even though I don’t know what your plan is,
I know you make beauty from these ashes.
I’ve seen joy and I’ve seen pain.
On my knees, I call your name.
Here’s my broken Hallelujah.
With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to you.
Here’s my broken, here’s my broken,
Hallelujah
(Here’s my broken)
Hallelujah
When all is taken away, don’t let my heart be changed.
Let me always sing Hallelujah
And when I feel afraid, don’t let my hope be erased
Let me always sing (let me always sing),
Let me always sing,
Hallelujah
(Let me always sing)
Hallelujah
(Let me always sing)
Hallelujah
Here’s my broken,
Here’s my broken,
Hallelujah
Here’s my broken,
Here’s my broken,
Hallelujah
