In my whole life I’ve broken exactly one bone; I was in Kindergarten and I broke my left arm when I fell from the “rings” on the playground.
I remember driving with my mom to the doctor’s office, holding my arm as still as I could to avoid the sharp pain any movement was sure to bring. I can still see the little exam room with white walls and steel instruments – all pretty scary stuff to a 5 year old! I also remember the kindness of an elderly doctor who quickly and carefully applied a plaster cast (OK….so it was a while ago!) Then exactly six weeks later I was back in the same little exam room while the cast was cut with a small electric saw and finished off with scissors to reveal my itchy, slightly pale and smushed-down little arm. I’m not sure what I was expecting to find under that cast, but I remember being so relieved that my arm was still…..my arm! It was slightly tender, but essentially good as new, and that was that. End of broken bone. Broken – set – healed.
Oh that our hearts were that simply mended….
I’ve been staring at this blinking cursor for longer than I’d like to admit trying to find words to somehow express why I’ve chosen to share 40 songs for 40 days this year and why music is playing such a crucial role in my ongoing healing. (And also how the song I’m sharing on Day 7 played such an important part.) But I’m letting go of finding the “right” words and phrasing, and just diving in….here we go!
Last summer marked the anniversary of the first year since 1988 without my son. I know that’s not easy to read….and it’s not easy to say. These have been unbelievably difficult times for our family, and I’ve already been transparent about the shaking of my faith as a result…
For many, many months, try as I might, I couldn’t find true worship to spring from my heart – something that had always been as natural as breathing. I was just so broken and full of grief there didn’t seem to be room for anything else, but I found that I gradually came to be drawn back to music as a listener. I began to be drawn to music that spoke directly to my pain, reminding me that God was the healer, and that he was good. I couldn’t believe it yet entirely, but my heart wanted to, and so I listened, and listened, and listened to others declare it through music.
I started clinging to worship music as my lifeline to God….and to hope. It would be the last thing I would hear before falling asleep and would keep me company getting ready in the morning. Every day I would grab my headphones and listen during afternoon and evening walks. I was still an observer, of sorts, but it brought peace to my heart just to listen.
One early morning I awoke with the lyrics and melody of a favorite song rolling around in my head. It was so persistent and real – it was as though I had been dreaming it and woke with it still playing. It was a lovely way to wake up, but I didn’t think much of it until it happened again the next morning…..and again the next…..and the next.
I began writing down the songs I was “hearing” in my first early morning awareness and was coming to feel they were little gifts from God. They were usually different songs, but the lyrics were always tenderly reminding me that I wasn’t alone and that God was still at work in my life. Mind you, I really wasn’t praying all that much – mostly just throwing “God, help me!”s up to the universe, but I couldn’t deny that something was happening that I couldn’t explain.
So, one evening I went to bed asking God to give me a song the next morning to let me know these really were messages from him and not just an ordinary response to all the music I’d been listening to!
Before my eyes even opened:
“You dance over me…while I am unaware…You sing all around but I never hear the sound…”
I smiled and kept “listening”, not wanting the moment to fade with wakefulness, and so clearly I heard, “How wide, how deep, how great is Your love for me….”
As tears streamed down my cheeks onto my pillow I heard, “Lord, I’m amazed by you….Lord, I’m amazed by you….Lord, I’m amazed by you….how you love me.”
I know it sounds crazy! I know there are those who can probably explain why my brain had absorbed so much music it was simply repeating what it had heard over and over. Maybe….I don’t really care. All that I know is that’s when my heart began to mend. And that’s when I began to believe again.
Oh that our hearts could heal like bones, but they aren’t intended to. They are the keepers of all that we feel, all that we believe, all that we care about. And they are so very precious to God!
I realize this is pretty intimate stuff….especially for Day 7! But I wanted to explain why music is so important to me, especially as I heal, and to let you know that so much more important than ANYTHING I say here is the fact that this amazing love isn’t only for me….
God loves us, friends. And that, to me…..is amazing.
“Amazed”
Phillips, Craig & Dean
You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound
Lord, I’m amazed by You
Lord, I’m amazed by You
Lord, I’m amazed by You
How You love me
You paint the morning sky
With miracles in mind
My hope will always stand
For You hold me in Your hand
Lord, I’m amazed by You
Lord, I’m amazed by You
Lord, I’m amazed by You
How You love me
Lord, I’m amazed by You
Lord, I’m amazed by You
Lord, I’m amazed by You
How You love me
How wide, how deep
How great is Your love for me
How wide, how deep
How great is Your love for me
Lord, I’m amazed by You
Lord, I’m amazed by You
Lord, I’m amazed by You
How You love me
Lord, You love me, oh
I’m amazed by You
Lord, I’m amazed everyday
So amazed
How You love me, Lord
